


share your soul with me

by ongnigiri



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Existential Crisis, M/M, Medicinal Drug Use, Na Jaemin-centric, Rejection, but please love him, figure skating, he has Issues, jaemin is a walking contradiction, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 05:12:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18403799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ongnigiri/pseuds/ongnigiri
Summary: Like each other’s home, Jeno and Jaemin are bound to find one another, no matter how far apart they stray away.or alternatively, the figure skating/soulmates au where one share their emotions with their soulmate.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sciences](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciences/gifts), [kwentongjaemjen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwentongjaemjen/gifts).



> So this is my first fic for nomin omg I’m nervous haha. This isn't perfect but I hope it will be appreciated. This is for my nomin nation friends who welcomed me so warmly here! Especially to my B1 and B3, ross and dani. B2 loves you bananas!!!
> 
> title taken from [this](https://open.spotify.com/track/2yUIjUh9zQCahXZ9dS7D5X?si=oBr_O_IbRFiUUgHL_aq4-g) song. thanks to ross for linking me this perfectly fitting soundtrack!

 

 

 

 

 

In the haze of adrenaline, Jaemin flashes his widest smile towards the crowd. He doesn't care if he made mistakes; he probably did. He doesn't care what the critics will say after this. Heck, he doesn't even care if he doesn't win. What he cares about is the way his chest heaves as he catches his breath, the way his body feels hot and cold at the same time as he glides around the ice rink, how his ears hear nothing but the sound of his own heartbeat. He's happy with this, and with twinkling eyes, he scans the crowd.

Lee Jeno is there.

He wonders if Jeno feels what he's feeling right now. His excitement, his joy. He wishes he could feel how happy Jaemin is, and let a little bit of it seep through him, because Jeno wears nothing but a frown.

Jaemin takes a bow and looks at the same direction when he lifts his head up, concentrating to look past his own emotions and maybe find him beneath it all.

Still, he doesn't feel him.

He doesn't feel Jeno.

 

 

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Clink. Clack. Swoosh._

Jeno lands on a double loop with much grace and ease, as if he wasn't gritting on his teeth in frustration just days ago because he couldn't pull it off. It's a clean land—the audience rejoice, and Jaemin is careful not to cripple the wrap of the bouquet of flowers that he holds. Jeno skates around the rink with a succession of twirls, before he jumps and lands on another double axel as his final move.

Jeno looks beautiful in his white fit suit and hair as white as ice, maintaining his expression as the music stops and the crowd starts to clap. He appears to be controlling his breathing as he scans his eyes around, face stoic and still in character to his performance.

Only when his eyes meet with Jaemin's does his face lights up and he crack into a smile.

And as if he hasn't already taken Jaemin's breath away, he just does it again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jeno’s eyes are crescent moons when Jaemin finds him on the backstage. His parents are behind him, eyes full of glee and pride as people flock around Jeno to congratulate him. Jaemin doesn't have the patience to wait for them to leave, so he squeezes past the crowd and throws his arms around Jeno as soon as he’s within reach.

“Congratulations, Jeno!”

Any other day, Jeno would have shoved Jaemin away for when he comes too close to his skin. Today though, Jeno hugs him back just as tight, burying his neck on the crook of Jaemin’s neck.

“Did you see that, Jaems? I made it!” He sounds gleeful as he squeezes closer to Jaemin, and Jaemin could swear he could feel his heart beating against his chest as they hug each other. Jaemin feels completely ecstatic. If Jeno is happy, then Jaemin is, too.

“Of course you did, stupid. You didn’t practice all night and day to not to.”

Jaemin is the one who pulls away because Jeno just doesn’t, eager to finally give Jeno the flowers he took so long to pick. It’s nothing compared to the grandiose gifts other people gave him, but Jaemin knows it will be Jeno’s favorite.

He proves himself right when Jeno gives his widest smile as Jaemin shoves a handful of carnations in his face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next time Jaemin sees Jeno, his hair is dyed back to black.

Jaemin pouts when he sees him waiting by the intersection midpoint of their schools, leaning against the wall like the anime protagonist that he is. He regrets not taking enough picture of Jeno’s glorious ice white hair, only one where Jeno is smiling from ear to ear wearing the medal he won for landing third place while looking at the bouquet of flowers Jaemin gave to him. Jaemin didn’t want to take pictures during Jeno’s routine. He wanted to see it with his own eyes.

Jeno looks up from his phone as soon as Jaemin steps in front of him.

And as if he immediately knows what Jaemin is sulking about, Jeno shakes his head with a chuckle. “Don't be like that. You know I can´t look like that in school.”

Jaemin pouts further as they start to walk. “But it's cute.”

“It's not cute. I look old in that hair, Jaems.”

“You looked like an ice prince. How cool is that?”

“I look like my grandpa.” Jeno pauses. “No offence to him, he's cool, but I can look like him when i'm forty years old.”

Jaemin frowns. “What's with you setting bars for when you’re forty?”

It’s one of the countless useless conversations they always share as they walk their way to the rink house where Jeno practices, only this time Jeno doesn't have one, and Jaemin promised to treat him out for doing well in his last competition. Jeno is a constant in Jaemin's life like this, a part of his everyday routine. Going to school with him, going home with him, watching him practice, hanging out with him when he doesn't have practice.

The thing is Jaemin doesn't even know how and when he and Jeno became the best of friends. Just one day he woke up and Jeno is suddenly a vital part of his life. He doesn’t even remember his life without Jeno in it, as if he’s always been just there. Technically, he _does_ remember. He knows he took ballet class when he was seven, and Jeno wasn’t in it. Knows he liked playing with hoverboards when he was eight, while Jeno never touched nor seen one. But everything just seemed like a dream to Jaemin, going to preschool and starting elementary class— his memories too fuzzy that it feels like his reality started only when he met Jeno.

 _“Hey, that’s a soulmate thing, isn’t it?_ ” Baekhyun, one of Jeno’s rinkmates, would say everytime the topic surfaces. Jaemin would just make a face and shove it off.

“So how’s Science club?” Jeno asks as he pushes the door to a coffee shop Jaemin frequents to. Jaemin orders americano with four shots of espresso for himself and a latte Jeno as soon as they arrive at the counter, but Jeno changes his order to two shots of espresso. Jaemin just smiles to himself and doesn’t comment on it.

“Boring.” Jaemin admits, taking a seat on the nearest booth. “Science is not for me, Jen. I wouldn’t be coming to the club if not for Huang Renjun.”

“That sounded weird.” Jeno frowns. “D-do you like him?”

Jaemin laughs. “Stupid. No. He just demands me there since I signed up.” He answers, though he does find it amusing to watch Renjun talk about science things like it’s the most interesting in the world, which it isn’t.

“Why’d you sign up in the first place if you weren’t interested?”

Jaemin shrugs. “Dunno. Just thought I might come to like it.”

Their drinks arrive and Jaemin immediately takes a sip on his drink while Jeno takes his time on his. They talk about everything and nothing as they let time pass on what usually would have been a busy practice day. Jaemin talks about dancing in P.E. class. Jeno talks about his cats. Jaemin talks about wanting to go to the beach and try surfing. Jeno talks about a new routine he wants to try in skating.

“Hey Jaems.” Jeno calls. “Next year, let’s go to school together.”

Jaemin is too distracted playing with the ice of his coffee. “We always go to school together.”

Jeno scratches the back of his neck. “Not that, I mean- in the same school. I want to go to the same school as you. We’re starting high school next year, so I thought we might...“

Jaemin stops twirling his cup and looks up to an awkward smile from Jeno. He finds it funny, really, that Jeno felt the need to ask and solidify it, because Jaemin had always thought of it as a given— that he and Jeno will finally be together in high school.

Jaemin cracks his widest smile and nods his head. “Okay!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin was ten when he first learned about soulmates.

“You will feel their pain, their sorrow, their joy.” His mom had told him as she combed his hair, her eyes twinkling as she fantasized about the most fateful meeting in his son’s life.  “You will feel all of their emotions, _everything_ , for your souls share one heart.”

Jaemin hadn’t batted an eye then, his mother’s words merely bouncing off his ears. His eyes and heart were more focused on the television screen, where a young boy twirled gracefully around a field of ice, rough skates contrasting his fluid movements. He looks surreal to Jaemin, eyes, gazing faraway into a universe unseen by the naked eye, short limbs unbelievably coordinated.

Jaemin feels his heart skip beat with the boy’s every twist and turn. With twinkling eyes, he lets himself absorb the scene.

And if there is anything else his mother said about _soulmates,_ Jaemin couldn’t care less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin doesn’t remember the first time he walked into that rink house and watched a certain boy dance on ice— when it was and what kept him on doing so. But he does remember the first time the said boy ever talked to him.

“Do I know you?”

Of course, Jaemin doesn’t how long he had been coming there for the boy to finally take notice of him. It’s not like Jaemin wanted to be noticed— he thinks— maybe he just liked to watch the way the boy skates on ice.

 “You had that feeling too?” Up-close, the boy looked shorter than him. Jaemin smiled. “I had that feeling too when I first saw you, like ‘I saw you from somewhere before’ kind of feeling.” Jaemin gasped. “Hey that’s a soulmate thing isn’t it?”

“That’s not what I meant.” The boy sighed, hands fiddling at the hem of his suit. “Are you my classmate? I’m sorry if I don’t recognize you. It’s just that I’m really bad at remembering my classmates since I’m pretty shy, but I don’t think I wouldn’t know if I was in the same class with someone like you-“

“I’m Jaemin.” Jaemin interrupted. “Now you do know me.”

The boy frowned deeply. He looked away and Jaemin followed his gaze to his mother nodding at him encouragingly, before looking back at Jaemin. Jaemin thought whatever that was, it was cute.

“I’m Jeno.” He said, hands awkwardly hanging at his side. Jaemin noticed this, so he offers a hand to the boy— Jeno— on his own. Jeno’s tense shoulders loosened up a little at this, and he took the offered hand. “So, you’re not my classmate?”

Jaemin shook his head. Jeno took the seat beside him.

“We didn’t know each other before this?”

“Should we?”

Jeno scrunched his nose. “What are you doing here, t-then?” Jeno stuttered. Jaemin didn’t stop his laugh from coming out.

“You’re so smooth on the ice, but it seems like you’re actually awkward, eh?” Jeno scratched the back of his neck, and Jaemin chuckled. “If you’re asking why I’ve been watching you for these past days, the answer is there is no important reason. My feet just keep on bringing me here and I don’t decide against it. I actually move purely on muscle instincts.” He shrugged. “Do you mind it? Am I distracting you?”

“No. No you don’t.” Jeno scratched the back of his ears this time. “It’s just that my parents think you’re my fan, so they urged me to talk to you. They even want me to give you a sign today, _thank god_ I didn’t listen to them. I would have embarrassed myself.”

“Oh. Are you famous or something?” Jaemin straightened in his seat. Jeno bit his lip and Jaemin suddenly snapped his finger.

“Milk boy!” Jaemin exclaimed with twinkling eyes, recalling the boy in his television screen with his mother’s voice talking in the background. “It’s you, right? You’re the boy in that milk commercial I saw on TV?”

Jeno suddenly looked embarrassed, frowning. He opened his mouth then closes it a few times, before finally speaking. “That stopped being aired for about a year now. How do you remember that?”

“Oh I just do.” Jaemin shrugged. “That was the first time I learned people can dance on ice, so I kind of remembered. I’m awed drinking milk can make you do all that. Too bad I’m lactose intolerant.”

Jeno snorted a laugh at that. Jaemin felt funny.

“That’s okay, though. Just let them think I’m your fan if it’ll make them happy. In a way, aren’t I already? I like watching you do your ice thing, after all.” Jaemin slung an arm over Jeno’s shoulder ungracefully, and Jeno looked at him confused. Jaemin turned to his mother curiously watching them.

“Auntie!” He yelled across the rink. “I love your son Jeno!” Jeno’s mother gaped in shock before she bursted into laughter, while his father behind her shook his head with a smile.

Jaemin waved at them with his widest grin, then laughed his heart out when he turned and found the skater in his arms flushing pink.

 

And maybe that’s why Jaemin can’t remember the exact moment he and Jeno became best of friends, because from the moment they first talked to each other, it already felt like they were.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s summer break when Jaemin gets to skate.

He already skated before, of course. Jeno had invited him to fool around the rink numerous of times when his coach— his father— wasn’t supervising. But that had been a long time ago. With Jeno’s first competition approaching and his goals shifting, practice time for the last few months were spent with no other things than actual practice, and Jaemin tried his best to be a support rather than a distraction.

It’s weekend, and there are customers with them inside the rink. Instead of his usual fitted practice suit, Jeno wears casual clothes and a smile. Jaemin doesn’t focus on Jeno this time— on watching his feet or recording his performance for evaluation. Instead, he focuses on himself, on his movements to match with Jeno’s as he glides around the ice.

“You’re doing pretty well.” Jeno says, eyes already formed into crescents. Jaemin just shrugs proudly.

They play around the rink for about an hour, catching each other while being careful from bumping into the other skaters inside. With his natural inclination in anything that involves balance (surfing, hoverboards, cycling, you name it), Jaemin gets a grip of the skates once more pretty easily, and in no time he glides around the ice like he has always been doing it for quite some time.

“You’re too fast.” Jeno gives up chasing Jaemin and holds onto the railing at the side of the rink as he catches his breath, while Jaemin just laughs in triumph before skating his way to Jeno. “You should probably try for speed skating.”

“Instead of that,” Jaemin huffs, holding onto the railing as well. “Do you think I can do what you’re doing?”

Jeno looks up from where he’s almost crouching down. “What?”

Jaemin rolls his eyes. “The thing you do, Jeno. Dancing around the ice.”

“You know what it’s called.” Jeno straightens up, eyes turning into crescents once again. “You’re interested, huh? What about Science Club, then? What about your little crush on Huang Renjun.”

“For the upteempth time, I don’t like Injunnie that way.” Jeno makes a face at _Injunnie_ , while Jaemin just laughs. “It’s not like I’ll be doing it for good. I just thought I should try it out and see for myself this summer. Might be of help too when I’m monitoring you.”

“And I already quit the Science Club. I kept falling asleep thirty minutes into the club hours. If I don’t quit I’d be dead by Injun’s hands before you know it.”

Jeno looks at him in silence for a stretch of time before he asks, “Do you like it?”

And _oh._ Jaemin does like it. _Likes it way too much._ From curiosity to mesmerization to actual interest. He likes to watch Jeno practicing, likes to monitor his every move, likes to pretend like a critic evaluating Jeno and the other skaters in the rink.

But does he _like_ it? Like it enough to dedicate time and effort to it? Jaemin doesn’t know.

Jeno looks at him in the eyes. “What’s your dream, nana?”

For the longest time, Jaemin thought for sure his dream was to be a doctor, until he woke up one day raging a war with all things science, may it be astronomy or anatomy, and from then on he realized that being a doctor wasn’t actually his dream. It was his mother’s.

Jaemin is young, much too young to know what his dream is.

But then he realizes, that’s what he’s supposed to do: find out.

“I don’t know. I could try to learn it this summer break and then decide after whether I want to continue or not?” Jaemin shrugs. It doesn’t sit well in his stomach that he might not like something Jeno is so passionate about, but even then, he’s got to give it a try, right? “Do you think you could teach me?”

Jeno is firm when he says. “I can’t.” Jaemin’s heart falls for a second until Jeno laughs and hits him in the shoulder. “But my dad can, I mean, he’s the one who’s a coach here.”

“It’s okay with you?”

Jeno fakes a frown. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Well,” Jaemin scratches the back of his neck bashfully. “It looks like I’m just going to try it out of boredom. I’m obviously not as passionate about this as you are.”

“You’re gonna try it out of boredom?” Jeno laughs again as he let go of his grip on the railing, sliding a little closer to Jaemin. “It’s okay Jaems. I’m not going to judge people’s reason for starting figure skating when I can’t even remember if I had one.” Jaemin opens his mouth to respond, but the things he’s about to say fly away when Jeno smiles at him.

 “I think it would be fun if I could practice with you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As far as Jaemin remembers, Jeno has lived all his life skating on ice.

They were ten when he first saw him on TV, on a milk commercial endorsing Jeno’s abilities as a product of their own. Jaemin had been young and naive to be too much in awe, but looking back at it— it was actually the simplest of routine. According to Jeno, he came to be aware of the world with him already skating. His father was once a national athlete and had turned into a figure skating coach— and with it came the natural affinity to mold his son like he does to his coachees.

Jeno is young, much too young to know what his dream is.

“Do you like it?” Jaemin had asked one night, as he sat on a bench in the locker room, waiting for Jeno to change from his practice suit.

Jeno pulled his suit over his head before responding, “Like what?”

“Figure skating.”

One second, no answer. Two, and then three. Jaemin turned his head and found Jeno already changed into a clean white shirt, blinking at Jaemin like he had asked the craziest thing in the world.

“I-“ Jeno paused, looking lost and confused. “I told you it’s all I’ve known to do. I didn’t really have the time to think about doing anything, so I don’t really know-“

But that had been four years ago. When Jaemin looks at Jeno now, passionately and determinedly teaching Jaemin what he could in the dead minutes of his own practice, Jaemin thinks that Jeno is still young, much too young, but he already figured out what his dream really is.

He can’t wait for the day it becomes the same for him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin buys his first skates on the day before his middle school graduation.

He’s shopping with his mom and dad on the busy district of Itaewon when he passes by a sport shop and sees pretty white skates shoes displayed on the storefront. It’s autumn now, and between regular classes and homeworks, Jaemin hasn’t stopped practicing with Jeno and learning under his father. He didn’t really actually think he’d keep doing it beyond the summer break, but he’s been borrowing Jeno’s extra skates for far too long, and since he doesn’t see himself getting bored for some more time, he thinks he might need one of his own.

He stops and stares at it wide-eyed, wondering how much he needed to save to be able to buy it on his own.

“Do you want it?” His mom’s voice suddenly resonates from behind him, and Jaemin turns to her a little surprised.

Jaemin bites his lower lip. “Not really…”

His mother flashes as gentle smile, hands finding its way to squeeze Jaemin’s shoulders. “Do you like skating, Jaemin? You’ve been doing it for quite some time now.”

“A little…” Jaemin scratches the back of his ears. “Is it okay with you?”

His mother laughs. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

Jaemin purses his lips and doesn’t answer her question. Instead, he says,“I want to be something you want me to be.”

His mother ruffles his hair with a smile, before gently removing the fringe away from Jaemin’s face.  “I want you to be happy.” Her gaze is soft, much too soft, and Jaemin realizes what his classmates mean when they say Jaemin’s gaze can be intense, because his gaze is exactly like his mother’s. It’s kind and loving. Suffocating.

“I’ll buy it for you. My graduation gift?” His mom turns to look at the skates. Jaemin’s heart skips a beat. “Do you know how to choose a good skates shoes?”

He shakes his head, smiling. “Can I borrow your phone, mom? I’ll call Jeno over.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The high school Jaemin and Jeno settles for is four train stops away, right next to Haneul University, Jeno’s target for college. Jeno wanted to be near the university just to serve as his motivation and maybe hopefully tour it sometimes. It’s something he had decided on for quite a while, and with Jaemin’s approval, they arranged their entry a few days before middle school graduation.

Jaemin doesn’t try to hide the excitement bubbling in his chest when he sees Jeno waiting in front of his house, wearing the exact same design of uniform as Jaemin, exact same size. Jaemin wonders why they’ve only thought of schooling together now when they could have done it way before. He remembers not wanting to be separated from his classmates in midschool, but do they matter more than Jeno? He doesn’t think so.

Jaemin lets Jeno pick their seat when they arrive at class. Jeno hesitates, but heads on to the corner-most seat on the second row. Jaemin immediately follows.

“And here I thought you’d be the type to sit at the backmost part of the classroom like the anime protagonist that you are.” Jaemin remarks, taking the seat next to Jeno. He would have preferred a last-row seat than this, but here is okay too, since he’s next to Jeno. “You look like a kid who’d do that.”

“Stop stereotyping people into cliché typecasts.” Jeno furrows his eyebrows playfully. “My eyes are getting worse.” Jaemin frowns at that and leans forward to look at Jeno’s eyes as if he could physically see what could be wrong with it, and Jeno just leans away with a laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a little after high school starts that the talks about soulmates get loud.

They’re at that age, Jaemin presumes, when they start to become curious.

He’s in front of his locker waiting for Jeno to complete an errand in the library. It’s a practice-free day— which means hanging out in either one of their rooms, which for today is Jaemin’s. He’s busy unloading some books from his bag to his locker when a group of five girls stops a few lockers away from him, all hushed whispers and high-pitched giggles.

“I can’t believe Lee Mark and Wong Yukhei are soulmates!”

Jaemin raises an eyebrow.

“I’ve been praying for one of them to be mine, I can’t believe they would be each other’s.”

“How did they figure it out?”

“I don’t know, they said Yukhei just started skipping around the morning after Mark’s 18th birthday, and then jumped on Mark as soon as they ran into each other on the halls.”

“They’ve been in the same school all this time. How lucky.”

Jaemin closes his locker door and shuffles inside his bag as he looks for his earphones. He knew Yukhei from freshmen orientation, the tall and handsome guy who owned the face plastered in school flyers and posters, basketball team star player. Jaemin knew of Mark because well, _everybody knows Mark,_ head of the basketball team _._ It’s like a necessity or something for everyone in this institution.

“But really, Basketball team’s captain Mark Lee and star player Wong Yukhei? Don’t you think they’ll look good together?”

“What do you mean they’ll look good? They’ll look _perfect._ ”

Jaemin thinks they’re far from perfect, as he looks into his bag’s side pockets. Mark is awkward and not good in expressing his feelings, and Yukhei is just a happy oblivious kid. He just can’t see the compatibility no matter how much he tries. How high had the universe had been to pair these two?

Jeno arrives just as Jaemin finally finds his earphones, skipping down the hall past the group of girls. Jaemin safely tucks his earphones back into the front pocket. “Sorry for the wait!” Jeno greets, his eyes folded into crescents like he always had a reason to smile.

He bumps his shoulders playfully against Jaemin’s. “You’re frowning. Did I take too long?”

Jaemin straightens, once again flashing his smile. “Not really. Let’s go?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In hindsight, maybe Jaemin should have realized the universe giving him the signs.

It had been kind enough to warn him, but unkind to let it go away. Jaemin’s hands are frozen at the door knob, his mother’s crying piercing through the wooden walls. It’s soft and quiet, but it’s there.

Luckily, Jeno is a few steps behind.

“Jaemin?”

“Jeno.” Jaemin turns around and flashes him a smile. He sprints towards him and hogs him by the shoulders playfully, ushering him away from their house. “I forgot I didn’t clean my room. Let’s play games in your room instead.” He proposes, and if Jeno heard things he shouldn’t have, he keeps his mouth shut.

 

Jeno untangles himself from Jaemin and holds his hand instead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kim Doyoung is a professional figure skater who once trained under Jeno’s father when they were much, much younger. Jaemin has only seen him on TV, with Jeno always adoring him every time he’s on the screen, commenting about his form and precision, thus compartmentalizing him into a different realm in Jaemin’s head. He’s like an actor or an idol in Jaemin’s head— unreal unless proven otherwise— so he is genuinely surprised when Jeno greets him with his most puppy-like smile and says “I met Doyoung-hyung!”

“Really?” Jaemin blinks.

Jeno nods. “He apparently goes to Haneul.”

He has a piece of paper in his hand, with numbers scrawled prettily across it, and he shoves it to the side pocket of his bagpack that he left with Jaemin **.**

“I was wondering what took so long to buy bandaids in a convenience store.”

“We chatted a little.” Jeno beams, finally taking his bagpack from Jaemin before heading off to walk. Jaemin follows suit. “I haven’t seen him in six years, Jaemin. So many things have changed. He apparently found his soulmate.”

 _Of course, Jen. He’s reached eighteen since three years ago._ Jaemin would have said, but then he remembers knowing someone who never found their soulmate even after so many years, so he purses his lips instead.

Jeno enthusiastically relays Doyoung’s stories about his soulmate on the train ride to the rink house. Jaehyun, Doyoung’s soulmate, is apparently from the same neighborhood where Doyoung and Jeno lived before. He was the other guy who would try to make Jeno comfortable whenever Doyoung tags him along to play with his circle of friends. They got separated, though, when Jaehyun had to move to Daegu, and Jeno moved to their new neighbourhood a little bit after that.

“We’ve always thought they had a special connection since then. You literally can’t win if you play charades or any guessing game against them. It’s like their brains are connected. They _read_ each other like that.”

Jeno talks about it like he’s reading a fairy tale, hands animatedly gesturing in the air. Jaemin stares at his eyes and the way they shine as he talks. He doesn’t have the heart to not listen to him.

“So you’re into this kind of thing too, huh.” Jaemin remarks as they arrive at the rink house, going straight towards his locker to gather his practice suit. “the soulmates thing.”

Jeno chuckles. “Who isn’t?”

 _Me._ Jaemin doesn’t say.

“I’ve seen it with my own two eyes, Jaemin. How amazing it is. Not just from the way I’ve seen Doyoung-hyung had become much happier than he ever was. My parents are living testaments, too.”

Jaemin has been with Jeno’s parents enough to know how wonderful they really are, even much more when they’re together. They’re like two pieces of a puzzle, the way they mold around each other. Separately they’re something, but together, they’re _whole._ Jaemin thinks Jeno has a lovely family.

“Don’t you feel the same when you look at your parents?” Jeno asks, blinking innocently.

Jaemin shrugs nonchalantly. “My parents aren’t soulmates.”

A long stretch of silence that Jaemin hates comes after that. Jaemin sees the surprise— the realization, hears the sound of the gears clicking together. He knows Jeno heard his mother cry that day, with all his attempts at comforting him. Jaemin wishes he didn’t, wishes he hadn’t said what he just said. Maybe he should have diverted the topic into something else like he usually does when his middle school classmates would ask about it. He didn’t like the look of pity they offer to him every time he makes the mistake of talking about it.

Jeno isn’t any different.

Jaemin understands. He always does.

“Don’t look at me like that.” He laughs, dry. “The world doesn’t end just because two people aren’t soulmates.”

What’s different about Jeno though is that instead of pushing it further like it hurts him more than it hurts Jaemin, Jeno cracks into a smile instead, his eyes once again crescents. “You’re right.” He nods his head, walking towards Jaemin. “Now that I think about it, that’s wonderful, actually. For two people to find each other like that even if they weren’t bound for each other.”

Jaemin’s eyes widen. Jeno chuckles.

“You think so?” Jaemin hates how unsure he sounded just now, but he can care less about that. Butterflies are now fluttering around his stomach at the thought of someone, _Jeno,_ thinking it is wonderful. That it isn’t— _he isn’t—_ a mistake.

“Yeah, and they gave birth to someone as b-“ Jeno coughs. “great and talented as you. So, atleast for me, I think that’s wonderful.” There’s suddenly a blush creeping at Jeno’s cheeks. Jaemin makes a mental note to tease him about that later. For now, he feels so light and warm he can’t help but throw himself into Jeno, arms wrapping around the startled skater.

There’s a wide smile on his face when he buries his face on Jeno’s neck. “It is wonderful, right? Of course it is!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(And yet, as if the universe wants to prove him wrong, he comes home to his mother in his room, crying at the hallow weight inside her chest.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jeno invites Jaemin to hang out with Doyoung and Jaehyun, on a free weekend at the riverside park. Doyoung is all smiles and knowing looks when Jeno introduces Jaemin to him, and Jaehyun is just as smiley, cute dimples peeking at his cheeks.

“My Jeno is all grown up now.” Doyoung coos, before enveloping Jeno into a tight hug.

Jeno sticks with Doyoung the whole time they stroll around the park, clinging at his arms as they share stories Jaemin knows nothing of. Jaemin wonders why Jeno was even worried he’ll be third wheeling the two, thus insisting on Jaemin coming with him, when it seems to be the exact opposite of that. Jaehyun is walking a little bit behind them, watching the two in their own little world. Jaemin decides to slow down on his pace to match with Jaehyun instead.

Jaehyun chuckles when he notices Jaemin. “Sorry about that. They missed each other a lot.”

Jaemin bites his lip in hesitation. “You’re not worried?”

Jaehyun raises an eyebrow, before his mouth turns into an ‘o’ in understanding. No matter how much the gap in age there is, Jeno is still a boy, whose admiration to Doyoung seems to be a little too much.

“No.” Jaehyun smiles. “I _know_ Doyoung.”

Jaehyun offers Jaemin his company for the rest of their aimless walk around the park, obviously considerate enough to keep Jaemin from being bored by talking with him. Jaemin finds out a few basic things about Jaehyun, like his age, or his sport being ice hockey, but more than that, Jaemin learns way more about Doyoung.

Jaehyun doesn’t stop talking about Doyoung once he’s started.

“He has the most beautiful heart.” The smile in Jaehyun’s face is gentle, almost motherly. “I know it because i _feel_ it, Jaemin. The love he has for others, his compassion, his willingness to help, I can feel it all within me, even before we shared the soulmate bond.”

There are stars in his eyes as Jaehyun says that, and Jaemin can’t deny how beautiful it is.

Jeno remembers Jaemin’s existence when they stop in front of an ice cream stall because Doyoung wants to treat them all. Jeno  comments that Jaemin is lactose intolerant and therefore wouldn’t be able to eat ice cream, and Jaemin, as petty as he is, murmurs _oh i thought you wouldn’t remember seeing how you easily forgot i was even here._ He’s not sure if Jeno hears it, but Doyoung and Jaehyun clearly do.

Jeno starts to walk beside him after that, as they go into the nearest coffee shop instead. Jaemin ignores him until Jeno bumps his shoulders with his a little too strongly, and Jaemin almost trips into the sidewalk. Jeno just laughs, and Jaemin can’t help but laugh along as he recomposes himself.

“Don’t be jealous.” Jeno pulls Jaemin closer to his side. “We literally haven’t seen each other in years.”

Jaemin pretends to choke on air over the fact that Jeno thinks he’s jealous. Jeno just laughs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That night, as they watch Doyoung and Jaehyun walk away with their hands intertwined after dropping them off at Jeno’s house, Jaemin admits for the first time in his life that their soulmate bond really _is_ beautiful. Jeno holds his hand with a squeeze and tells him that _no, their love is._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_“Mom, why are you crying?”_

There are times when Jaemin’s mother would come into his room in the middle of the night to hug Jaemin. Sometimes, Jaemin just woke up wrapped around her arms. Sometimes, he  would be stirred awake when she crawls into his bed. Jaemin was eight when it started, as innocent as he could be, and whatever his mom would tell him, he believed it.

_“It’s because I love you so much that I’m tearing up.”_

But Jaemin is seventeen now, and when his mother comes into his room to ask for a hug, Jaemin almost wants to be selfish enough to say _I don’t want to._ He knows it isn’t because he loved Jaemin so much. It was not because of Jaemin, nor his father. But his mother looks so broken, and _tired._ And Jaemin doesn’t have the heart to deny her of that.

“Jaemin? Can you give me a hug?” She’s at his door again, hesitating. Jaemin lets half a minute pass, before nodding his head. He shifts to the side to give her space, and soon enough he is wrapped in her arms.

“Does it hurt?” Jaemin wants to cover his ears.

His mom hugs him tighter. “It does.”

It had been nine years since, and her soulmate’s pain still hasn’t gone away. Unlike his father whose soulmate passed when they were still young, his mother still has her other half somewhere in this world, and they own emotions they could not keep for themselves. It started to come less often after the first two years, but once in a while, a pain that his mother doesn’t own comes to hunt them down— to remind them that here is not where she’s supposed to be— that this family had been against destiny.

“Mom, do you want to find your soulmate?”

It’s something that had been hanging in the air— the notion of her leaving. Jaemin had only seen his father cry once, on his tenth birthday, after his mother first talked about soulmates to Jaemin with those sparkle in her eyes. Jaemin had noticed his tears as soon as he caught a sight of him, but only when his mom ran to the kitchen did he look up to Jaemin.

_One day, she might leave. If that is what she wants, we shouldn't stop her._

Jaemin was then too young to understand, but now he knows that those words meant that his father was kind— too kind he had accepted that she will one day abandon them for her destined half. Jaemin’s old enough to understand it now, but still not old enough to be able to do the same— to accept.

His mother hums. “They’ve been hurting for quite some time, Jaemin. I was wondering if perhaps I could help them from getting rid of their pain.” She plays with Jaemin’s locks.

“So yes, I do. Very much so.”

 Jaemin closes his eyes and wills himself into slumber.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first time Jaemin feels like his soul is leaving his body, he is in the middle of ice.

It isn’t one of their practices or evaluations that Jaemin had been used to for the past two years. This time, it isn’t just Jeno’s parents and their rink buddies that are watching him from the sides. This time, there’s a crowd whose cheers he can’t hear over the sound of his own heartbeat, a panel of experts who will judge his every move, and lights that are all focused on him. It’s Jaemin’s first competition ever since he started skating, and he feels his knees buckle with the overwhelming attention directed at him.

Jaemin sees his parents waving at him from the crowd, a bouquet of flower in his mother’s hands. He can see Doyoung a little bit further into the right, watching with Jaehyun beside him. Some of their classmates went to watch too, all piled up together and taking pictures of him at one section of the stand. Their coach is on one side, looking at him determinedly.

And beside him there’s Jeno.

Jeno is in his black and white fit costume that matches with Jaemin’s, light make-up adorning his face, eye-smile worn as always. He stands right there firmly as he mouths encouraging words towards Jaemin, _it’s okay, you can do it, trust yourself,_ very much relaxed like he wouldn’t be in Jaemin’s position just right after this performance.

 _Just look only at me._ Jeno mouths the same words he’s said out loud just before he entered the rink, and if a few minutes ago Jaemin felt like his soul was leaving his body, now he feels like Jeno is gripping at it tightly, keeping him from floating away when not even his parents can keep him on the ground.

Jeno is enough, Jaemin thinks, had always been enough.

He looks at Jeno and no one else. The music cues and Jaemin skates on ice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Jaemin’s life, there are a lot of important events that occur in the middle of the ice.

Like for one: his first kiss.

They’re fooling around after a long day of practice, trying Baekhyun and Irene’s couple routine foolishly on the rink like the two high school boys that they are. Jaemin’s movements are faster than Jeno, so they are a little bit off sync, and Jeno laughs at the way Jaemin clowns Irene’s graceful movements.

He gets a little too excited doing it, causing him to lose balance and almost fall on the ice, had Jeno not pulled him and hugged him against his chest.

It’s the first time Jaemin actually _feels_ the changes that he had been noticing in Jeno for the past few days. How his chest had become a lot harder, his arms now bulkier. His face got a lot manlier, too. His bone structure now adorned with a nose bridge so high and a piercing jaw line. They’re always together so Jaemin didn’t recognize the little changes until it slapped him on the face like this. Jeno is now about the same height as Jaemin, but he’s wider, _bigger._

And he looks so incredibly attractive to Jaemin’s eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” Jaemin blurts out.

Jeno’s eyes widen, his grip at Jaemin’s waist tightening. “W-what?”

Jaemin looks at Jeno’s lips. He doesn’t repeat the question.

Jeno notices, of course. He looks like he’ll melt right in the middle of the ice. “A-are you sure? Do you mean it?”

Jaemin licks his lips before looking at Jeno in the eyes. He still doesn’t say a word, just stares at Jeno’s eyes the way he’s never done before— intense, sincere, conveying. Jaemin is sure Jeno has picked it up from the way his expression changes from nervous to determined. Jaemin doesn’t even hear it when he says _okay,_ barely reading it by the way his pair of lips moves just a few seconds before Jaemin slots his own in between.

Their lips fit perfectly together.

Jeno’s grip on his waist tightens even more as Jaemin parts his lips slightly, while Jaemin holds Jeno’s shoulder for support. They glide slowly to the side of the rink involuntarily as their grip down the ice loosens. Jaemin’s knees wobble from the feeling of Jeno’s lips against his, and with the way Jeno’s fingers shake against his hold on him, Jaemin knows Jeno feels the same too.

Jeno presses them closer together, and Jaemin can feel their hearts beating in sync.

As they part and press their foreheads together, Jaemin closes his eyes in nervousness of Jeno’s reaction, only to open them and find Jeno chuckling as he comments on how chapped his lips feel.

Jaemin wonders if anything else felt more perfect than this.

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I don’t think I can do this.”

His parents’ 25th anniversary is almost approaching, and Jaemin wants to give them something special. He bothered Jeno to look for a part time job with him, and Jeno being just as clueless as him asked Doyoung, who in turn asked Jaehyun. That is how they found themselves in the middle of a photoshoot set for a teen magazine, the one which Jaehyun occasionally poses for.

Jaemin sits on one of the couches on the set, knees tucked together properly. Jaehyun is already in front of the cameras, doing his own thing which he seems to be really good at. Jaemin used to think that there is nothing he can’t do especially if puts his mind on it, but these past few days had been a testament opposite of that. Na Jaemin is very much incapable in a lot of things, and it’s something he’s only beginning to accept.

There’s a frown on Jeno’s face when he asks, “Why?”

Jaemin takes a glance at the mirror, and then back to the cold tiled floors. “Jeno, I have all these scars.” He looks at Jaehyun once more, at how confident and beautiful he is. It hurts to look back to himself, with his ugly scars and insecurities.

Jeno kneels down the floor to take a look at Jaemin’s legs, the apparel he’s wearing too short that it reveals all the scars he got from skating. Some of them are black and dry, some almost unnoticeable, but some of them are red and fresh, new cuts donated by the very blades he treasures and loves.

“It doesn’t make you any less beautiful, Jaemin.”

Jaemin looks into his eyes.

“It symbolizes your dedication and hard work, Jaems. These scars are a part of you. If anything, I think it makes you even more beautiful.”

There is so much sincerity in his eyes as he uttered those words, staring right back at Jaemin. Jaemin blinks as he lets the words sink in, and soon after he’s already smiling from ear to ear. And as if Jeno realized why, a blush suddenly covers his cheeks, and he pulls away to put some distance between them, coughing awkwardly.

Jaemin laughs. “Lee Jeno, when did you become good in words?”

Jeno furrows his eyebrows because Jaemin is teasing him again, but even then he can’t hide the smile on his face. “I have always been, you just didn't notice.” Jeno stands up from where he’s kneeling on the floor, stretching his knees as he does. “And if you didn’t already know, there’s this thing called photoshop. It’s pretty revolutionary, really. It can even remove your whole face.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes before he grabs the handkerchief lying next to him and throws it at Jeno.

Jeno just laughs as if he’d said the funniest thing in the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s Jeno who first ask the question, “Jaemin, have you ever wondered about your soulmate?”

They’re walking home from practice, wrapped in long coats and scarves. The spring air is still cold against their skin, still not fully transitioned from the winter. If they look at the corner of alleys, there are still blocks of ice that haven’t melted in the streets, cherry blossoms barely blooming.

“I never did.” Jaemin admits.

Jeno just hums and nods his head, understanding. He doesn’t bring it up for their walk home. Instead, they bask in the comfort of each other’s presence, lips muted and unsaid words hanging in the air. Jaemin’s house is closer to the main street, while Jeno’s is three blocks away, so Jeno usually walks him to their front door. Jaemin thanks Jeno and calls it a day but before he can even wave goodbye, Jeno holds his hands tightly, clinging into him.

Jeno looks him at the eyes. “If it isn’t me- if it isn’t _us-_ would anything change?”

It surprises Jaemin to see Jeno looking so vulnerable for the first time in all of his years of knowing him. His eyes are wide, almost pleading, his lips a little bit shaking.

Jaemin gives his shoulder a squeeze, before he leans in, leaving a chaste kiss at Jeno’s cheeks.

“Nothing would change, Jeno. I promise.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That night, Jaemin tells himself: It’s Jeno who he wants to be with.

 

_It’s Jeno, may the universe be damned._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s a heavy weight in his chest when Jeno turns eighteen.

They’re seated at the carpeted floor of Jeno’s house, huddled together as they wait for the clock to strike twelve. They both know what it means— but they don’t talk about it.

There’s a marvel movie playing in the background, but Jaemin ignores that in favor of looking at Jeno, studying every detail of his expressions as the clock ticks down to the last minute.

When his birthday comes, Jeno takes a deep breath before he reaches for the remote and turns the TV off.

“So?” Jaemin’s eyes are full of curiosity.

Jeno shrugs. “So?”

“D-do you..” Jaemin sttuters. “Do you feel anything different?”

Jeno goes silent as he thinks about it for a minute, before he shakes his head. “ I don’t think so.” He then looks at Jaemin and laughs. “Were you nervous?”

Jaemin realizes how eager he must have looked like, huddled so close to Jeno with that questioning eyes of his. He pulls away with a scoff. “No way!” Jeno smiles fondly and reaches for his hands, and for that moment the heavy weight in his chest dissipates and Jaemin forgets about the universe.

In that moment, it’s just him and Jeno.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On their first day as sophomores, their homeroom teacher asks them, _what do you want to be?_ and instructs them to write it down in a piece of paper.

And if it was asked a while back, Jaemin wouldn’t know what to write, but right now, with one look shared with Jeno, _he knows._

Jaemin writes it down in his piece of paper.

 

 

 

 

Jaemin’s mom comes into his room one summer night to ask for a hug and for the first time in a long time, it isn’t because she’s sad.

She’s happy.

“Jaemin, can I hug you?” She has stars in her eyes as she stands by the door of Jaemin’s room, and she doesn’t even wait for Jaemin’s response before she rushes off to embrace him in a bone-crushing hug. “I can’t believe you’ve booked us a trip as a gift. I’ve never been this happy.” She pulls away and gives a sloppy kiss on his cheeks.

Jaemin can’t help but smile. It took him one more photo shoot with the help of Jaehyun, a little money borrowed from Jeno, and his piggy bank dried empty, but he won’t say that to his parents. He can start to save again anyway. “You liked it?” He smiles. “I’m sorry that Jeju is all I can afford.”

His mother shakes her head and pulls him into a hug again. “It’s okay, silly. It’s more than enough.”

At his door, he sees his father smiling at the two of them fondly, leaning on the door frame.

Later that night, dinner becomes the liveliest it’s ever been. His parents plan their trip, his father looking for places to go while his mother plans their outfits. Sometimes, Jaemin pitches in, talking about a few good places Jeno said was good when he went to a trip in Jeju with his parents. At one point, his dad suggests paying for another ticket for Jaemin, but Jaemin refuses, saying he wants it especially just for the two of them.

Before he goes to sleep, his mother tucks him in his bed and kisses his forehead.  From behind her, his father gives him a thumbs-up and mouths the words _thank you._

Jaemin sighs as the lights turn off and he closes his eyes. He feels content.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the eve of Jaemin’s eighteenth birthday, Jeno gives Jaemin his gift.

They’re idling in Jaemin’s kitchen, talking about everything and nothing after they’ve finish washing the dishes from dinner. Jaemin’s parents are set to leave tomorrow evening for Jeju after a throwing a small party for Jaemin, and so to ask Jeno of watching over Jaemin, they invited him for dinner.

Jaemin stops talking when he realizes Jeno looks like he hasn’t been breathing, eyes a little too concentrated at Jaemin. He reaches out to shake Jeno’s shoulder jokingly, but gets surprised when Jeno grips at his arms firmly.

“Jaemin, can I give you my gift now?”

It came out of nowhere. Jaemin furrows his eyebrows and slowly, he nods his head.

“Then can I kiss you?”

And it’s something Jeno didn’t really need to ask, something Jaemin thought should have been a norm after that first time in the middle of the ice, but it’s just words Jaemin had never thought of him to ever utter, never thought of him to ever initiate, because that’s just _Jeno._ Adorably awkward and nervous Jeno. Not-so-affectionate Jeno. Shy Jeno. Jaemin has to blink a few times to think of how to react now that he’s at the receiving end of this.

There’s a flush on Jeno’s cheeks when he nudges him. “Jaemin?”

And there’s an equally as red blush in Jaemin’s cheeks when he quietly nods his head.

Their lips touch just like it did the first time— perfectly like they’re molded for each other. But there’s something that feels entirely different in this, and Jaemin figures it out when Jeno pushes him gently against the counter and starts to move his lips against his.

Jeno’s lips are soft and gentle with the way it is moving against Jaemin, careful like he might break a precious porcelain. Jaemin has half the mind to notice Jeno’s hand that is awkwardly hanging on his side, while his other hand is resting lightly on Jaemin’s hips. Jaemin blindly reaches out for Jeno’s hand and finds it in one try, intertwining it with his before pulling it to rest on the top of the countertop behind him. Jaemin can’t help but smile into their kiss when he realizes how much Jeno is shaking.

Jaemin wouldn’t exchange Jeno for who the universe would shove into his life.

There’s a mix of emotions bubbling inside of his chest as he parts his lips for Jeno to dive in. For one, he’s happy. He’s been happy for days now, and in this moment it feels like it’s amplified. There’s too much— _it’s too much._ Jaemin feels like his heart might burst any moment now, with the way his heart is beating against his ribcage.

There’s uncertainty, too, and an incredible amount of nervousness. It must have been Jeno, Jaemin thinks, with the way he’s still flinching with every new touch, hands still shaking in tension, and it only must have gotten to Jaemin too because when it comes to Jeno, Jaemin knows. Jaemin _had always been_ so sure.

When they part, Jeno rests his head against Jaemin’s and untangles their hands to cup his face.

“Jaemin.” He laughs, breath airy against Jaemin’s skin. “Jaemin, I’m so happy.”

Jaemin only closes his eyes and nods with a smile. He’s happy too.

“Jaemin, jaems.” Jeno calls, closing his eyes as well. “Did you feel it too?”

Still in his high, Jaemin answers, "I do. I do."

Jeno leaves a soft peck at the side of his lips. "I’ve always known it was you. You're my soulmate, Jaemin."

Jaemin’s eyes fly open.

_He’s… what?_

His eyes shoot at the clock. It’s past twelve a.m.

“Happy 18th birthday, Jaemin.”

The world stills for a split second, every sound muted in Jaemin’s ears. He can see the way Jeno’s lips open and close as he’s talking, but whatever words it is that he’s saying, he can’t hear. He sees it too, when Jeno opens his eyes and pulls away with a frown, studying Jaemin’s expression with his eyes growing wider and wider every passing second, as if he’s realizing what Jaemin is feeling, but that can’t be because they aren’t— they _can’t_ be—

The first sound that Jaemin hears again is the sound of Jeno’s heart breaking.

“You don’t want this.” Jeno whispers.

Jaemin shakes his head. “Jeno, I-”

“I can feel it Jaemin. It’s- I can feel it within me.” Jeno pulls even further away, confusion in his eyes. He clutches his chest and turns to the floor. “It’s so heavy in my chest it feels like it’s dragging me down.”

There is pain in his eyes when he looks up to Jaemin. “You don’t want me this much?”

“Jeno, it’s a misunderstanding.” It is a misunderstanding, isn’t it? Jaemin cannot _not_ want Jeno. He's known for quite a long time now, it's Jeno who he wants to be with. His choice was Jeno. He was willing to defy what the universe tells him— but if the universe tells him it's Jeno who he's supposed to be with for the rest of his life, then shouldn't he be relieved?

Relief feels like nothing like this.

“Then what does this mean, Jaemin? Why does my heart feel so heavy I feel like the universe just betrayed me?”

Jaemin can’t find an answer to that. Perhaps, the universe did betray him.

Jaemin stays muted and unable to utter another word. He doesn’t dare explain what he doesn’t understand. And it’s such an ironic situation to be in because just minutes ago, Jeno was that one thing Jaemin was so sure of, but in a snap of a finger, with the clock striking to twelve, he suddenly doesn’t know anymore.

A long stretch of silence. Jaemin doesn't dare speak.

“I’ll be going home. We can talk about this tomorrow.” Jeno says after a while, even though he steps closer and holds Jaemin’s hand.

Jeno’s eyes are pleading when he mumbles, “Nothing would change, right? You promised, right?”

Jaemin closes his eyes. “It’s a promise.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a promise he knew he would break.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

Things do change, inevitably.

Jaemin’s birthday party is just a small lunch gathering with some of their rink buddies and classmates from school as attendees. Doyoung and Jaehyun were invited, but both of them couldn’t come because of Jaehyun’s game. Jeno arrives a little late with an excuse of having gotten distracted by a stray cat. He stays away from Jaemin for the rest of the party and if anyone noticed, they don’t say anything.

“So Jaemin.” One of their classmates, Donghyuck, starts as he sits down next to Jaemin. “Have you _felt_ your soulmate?”

The chattering stops and everyone looks at Jaemin’s way, including his mom who is taking a peak from the kitchen. Jaemin suddenly feels small under their gazes, eyes nervously fluttering around. He locks eyes with Jeno briefly, but before Jeno could even react, he quickly looks away.

“I-I haven’t.” Jaemin immediately feels his heart sinking in his chest. He doesn’t know if it’s because of him or Jeno.

There’s a collective sound of disappointment that Jaemin hears before the chattering goes back to normal, everyone going back to their business. Baekhyun is talking to Irene about their routine. Hina is talking to Lami about their bio project. From the corner of his eyes, he sees Jeno heading towards the kitchen. Donghyuck sighs in front of him.

“What a bummer.” Donghyuck pouts. “How did Lee Mark and Wong Yukhei got so lucky to have found each other immediately? It’s been _months_ and I haven’t found mine.”

Jaemin doesn’t give Donghyuck an answer. It’s not like he needed one anyway.

By the time his parents need to leave for their trip, all of the guests have already left, including Jeno. Jaemin knows it isn’t right but he feels relieved. He doesn’t know what to say had they talked anyway.

“Honey, is everything alright?” His mother asks at their front door, suitcase already in hand.

Jaemin runs to her and gives her a hug. “Of course.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

His mother pulls away and gives him a soft smile. “We’ll be back in three days. Take care, okay? Call Jeno if it gets scary.” Jaemin purses his lips. His mother leans in to kiss his cheek.

“Thank you, honey, for letting me go.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That night, Jaemin receives a text from Jeno.

 

Jeno: _I'll try to understand you. Do you want to tell me?_

 

Jaemin frowns. The truth is, he wants to understand himself as much as Jeno does. But he doesn’t. He couldn’t.

 

Jaemin: _Sorry, Jeno. Let’s talk tomorrow._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin isn’t surprised to find out there is no Jeno waiting for him outside his house to go to school together. Not surprised that he isn’t at their usual seat, but two rows behind, beside Donghyuck. Not surprised when he eats lunch alone, even though he prepared a meal enough for two.

Which is why he is genuinely surprised to see Jeno in front of his locker after dismissal.

Jeno has his head leaning against the metal door or Jaemin’s locker, the angle of his legs supporting him from sliding off. He has his eyes closed, and only when Jaemin stands right before him did they flutter open.

“Practice.” Jeno murmurs, before heading off.

The walk to the station is quiet. The train ride to the rink house is quiet. Jaemin walks slowly, taking his time to think things through, and if Jeno is angry, he still walks the same pace as Jaemin.

Two blocks away from the rink house, Jeno stops and so does Jaemin.

“I’m sorry, Jaemin.”

Jaemin feels confused upon hearing such words from Jeno, because it’s wrong. _It shouldn’t be._ Jaemin here is the one sorry. He feels even more confused when he sees the smile on Jeno’s face, pretty like usual. Too pretty that Jaemin would have thought it was real if not for the accompanying weight digging holes in his chest.

“No, Jeno. I’m the one who’s sorry—” Jaemin reaches out, but Jeno flinches away. “It was awful of me to feel that way—”

“It’s okay, Jaem. It’s not like you can do anything about it.” Jeno cuts him off, the hurt in his tone apparent as if the sting in Jaemin’s heart isn’t enough indication. Jaemin takes a step forward, and like a routine, Jeno steps away. “It’s not like you can change how you feel.”

“You do know that I love you, right?” Jaemin startles to say, almost hurriedly. He only realized now that he’s actually never said it out loud. “I love you, Jeno. I’ve been in love with you for quite some time now.”

Jeno shakes his head. “I don’t know, Jaemin.” He points at his chest. “Our bond would have told me if you did, but I can’t feel it from you.”  He shrugs. “I don’t know if you love me, but you don’t want me, Jaemin. And even if I ask you right now if you do, you’ll still feel the same.”

Jaemin takes a step back. Does he not want Jeno? Did he stop wanting Jeno just because he’s his soulmate? Just because he’d always thought— god, he’d always thought Jeno was his choice. The person he chose by himself. He went into that rink continuously because he liked watching Jeno skate, started skating under his influence—

Did Jaemin really even like Figure skating? Or did he actually weave his dream just for Jeno? Had he thought for one second that he had his life in his hands when it was actually just fate’s way of pulling the two of them together?

How much did the universe play on him?

A few seconds of silence stretches. Jaemin feels his hands getting cold.

“W-we’re-“ He swallows a lump in his throat. “We’re still friends, right?”

 Jeno smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Of course.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They’re still friends, Jaemin tells himself.

Jeno returns to their routine and waits for him at his doorstep to go to school together, sits next to him in class instead of two rows behind, eats lunch with him and sometimes shares his lunchbox, waits for him after school to go to practice, helps him learn his routines. He still smiles to Jaemin, talks to him about his cats, about a new video game he has stumbled upon. Everything is still the same.

 _Except_.

Except they’re far more distant than they used to be— than what they should be. None of them cling to each other like they always do, no unnecessary touches, no kisses. They both carry a weight in their chests they could not talk about to each other. It’s heavy, like a block of ice crushing his insides, leaving a hollow inside his chest. Jaemin can’t tell if it’s his or Jeno’s, but whoever it belongs to, he just wants to get rid of it.

His parents arrive home from their vacation on a Tuesday night with plenty of souvenirs and the happiest smiles on their lips. Jaemin feels a shift, a change in their relationship. Things have always been good between them, but coming back from the trip, it seems that things are _better_. Jaemin wouldn’t risk anything to ruin it.

Whatever it is that is digging a hole in the pit of his chest, he doesn’t talk about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jeno gets accepted to compete for KSU Ranking Competition and it makes his father cheer in glee because he is the first in this batch of coachees that will be competing in a larger scale instead of their local club competitions. Winning in this means an automatic spot at the National Figure Championships, and competing in a national scale means recognition— a door to entry the international scene.

Jaemin is happy for Jeno, and for once he feels the weight in his chest lighten a little, mixed with an intangible feeling of excitement. Jeno feels ecstatic, and he almost forgets the heartbreak Jaemin had given him. Jaemin would have offered a hug— except he knows it’s unsolicited for.

“I’m happy for you.” Jaemin croaks out, once they’re alone in the rink.

Jeno turns to look at him, surprised. “Well- I- thank you.” He says, confused, before he cracks into a smile. Jaemin clutches at his chest when he skates away to his side of the rink, and when he glance at Jeno, he sees him doing the same.

When he goes home that night, he thinks of Jeno. Of the brief happiness they shared in that one moment in the ice rink. Of how wonderful it felt. Jaemin wonders if that’s how it’s supposed to be— if that’s how it should have been. Sharing happiness between you and your soulmate for the two of you to enjoy; sharing sadness for the two of you to help each other carry the pain.

He thinks of wanting to accept it, of wanting to accept Jeno.

But then his mother’s tears flashes into his mind, and all other thoughts fade away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the first day of their junior year, their homeroom teacher asks them again, _what do you want to be?_ and instructs them to write it down in a piece of paper.

Jaemin shifts on his seat. Jeno is nowhere near him right now, but at the ice rink six stations away, skipping school for practice. Jaemin thinks of it as a blessing in disguise— he doesn't want to see Jeno, doesn’t want to see how easily he will write it down.

Jaemin’s paper stays blank.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jeno barely attends school in exchange of his practice, and Jaemin worries for his grades even though he is excused and granted a special permission. Jaemin tries his best to copy notes neatly so he can lend them to Jeno once he does attend classes, tries to understand chemistry lessons even though Jeno had always been the one better at science, at studying in general.

With Jeno preoccupied in practicing, Jaemin barely feels it in his chest, the heartache he had inflicted on the both of them. But at night, when Jaemin thinks maybe he could just get used to this, when he starts to think that maybe it’s okay— the pain intensifies.

Jaemin startles awake one night with an intangible throbbing in his chest and he feels like he can’t breathe. Tears form at the side of his eyes involuntarily, and he sits up to try catching air. He reaches out to the nightstand to find something to maybe help him, but there’s none. He ends up dragging himself towards the kitchen for a glass of water.

The place reminds him of that night. How much exactly had he been hurting Jeno?

His mother finds him in the kitchen floor, hugging his knees with a half-empty glass of water lying beside him on the floor. She rushes to envelope him into his arms, immediately asking what’s wrong. When Jaemin turns his head up to look at her, she doesn’t need an answer to realize.

“Have you found them?”

Jaemin is one big liar. “Not yet.”

His mother stays with him that night, wraps him in her embrace as she sings lullabies in her sleep. Jaemin understands a little bit of her now, and for once, he hates himself for even thinking of denying her of his comfort. This is not something he can go through on his own.

“Did you ever think it was burdensome, mom?” Jaemin asks because he does. He wants to get rid of whatever this is.

“I would be lying if I say I didn’t.” His mom hugs him tighter. “But I realized it’s not, Jaemin. It shouldn’t be.”

Jaemin doesn’t want to accept her answer, because it doesn’t feel like that. It’s far from that. Jaemin only nods his head in a half-hearted response, hugging his mother back just as tight, seeking her comfort against the feeling in his chest.

 

Only when he wakes up in the morning did he wonder if Jeno had someone to comfort him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_You’re not good enough._

Jeno’s father is kind and he will never say words like that, but Jaemin hears the words being screamed so loud right at his ear, even though the rink is empty save for the two of them, and none of them says a word.

Jaemin prepares for his launch by skating from the corner. He sets it all in his head as he makes his approach— the turn, the jump point, the land point— and still his body won’t move the way he wants it to. When he jumps, he crashes down the cold hard ice.

“Jaemin!” Coach Lee yells from the side of the rink.

There’s red against the ice blue surface of the rink, red against his white thighs and silver skates. Jaemin’s vision is red, too, from the anger and frustration. It’s just a goddamn double axel. Jeno perfected it when they were in middle school. Why can’t Jaemin do the same?

“What are you so reckless for!?” Coach Lee crouches down to look at his cut, lifting Jaemin’s limp legs carefully. “It’s pretty deep, there’s a lot of blood.”

The door slams as Coach carries Jaemin to the side of the rink, and in it comes Jeno, all wide-eyes and thundering heart. It doesn’t help the influx emotions already swirling inside of Jaemin. Jeno didn’t have to add to it.

Jeno doesn’t say a single word, but Jaemin sees the questions in his eyes. _What happened? Why did you fall? Are you hurt?_ The last question is answered when Coach Lee places him down the bench and Jeno’s eyes land on the long cut against Jaemin’s legs. His heart beats faster and Jaemin feels it. Hates it.

“Watch after him, Jeno. I’ll get first aid.”

Jeno stands on the side, not knowing how to approach Jaemin. Jaemin doesn’t want him to— not now atleast. Not when nothing makes sense and all Jaemin wants to do is scream in the middle of the rink and curse life— fuck. He never thought he was this dramatic, but nothing helped him these days, and Jaemin wondered if that will.

“Can you do me a favor, Jeno?”

Jeno stares at him wide-eyed, but he nods.

“Leave me here and entertain yourself somewhere, please? I’m hurting. Please be happy and help me lessen this weight in our hearts.”

It’s funny how Jaemin is the one surprised with his own words rather than Jeno. Jeno doesn’t even seem a little bit fazed, just greatly disappointed. Jaemin wonders when he started being such an asshole, if it’s expected of him to be one. But he can’t take back his words now. He doesn’t want to.

“Alright.” Jeno nods.

Jeno leaves as soon as Coach Lee arrives with a first aid kit. Coach Lee doesn’t question it, and Jaemin briefly wonders if he knows, but soon after realizes that he’s just too focused on cleaning Jaemin’s wound that he didn’t realize his son slipping out. Once he’s done, he rolls his eyes around and looks for Jeno, but he’s already gone.

“We should still get you checked in the hospital just in case it got infected.” Coach Lee says, but Jaemin doesn’t even care.

He can’t even feel his cut against the heartache Jeno shares with him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even if Jaemin told him to be happy, he isn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin comes home with bandages wrapped around his foreleg, knees wobbling as he walks. His mother is talking so enthusiastically to someone over the phone when Jaemin opens the door, and her eyes widen in horror when she sees his current state. The call is dropped with a short dismissal and Jaemin finds her running towards him, worry in her eyes.

“What happened?”

 _The soulmates thing happened._ Jaemin doesn’t say. Instead, he hugs his mom by the waist and she reciprocates, tracing soothing circles at his back despite her cluelessness.

“I don’t want to skate anymore, mom.” For goddamn sake, Jaemin _really_ never deemed himself to be dramatic. His cut is far from an injury to inhibit him from practicing, and he wouldn’t stop his sport if it’s just to avoid Jeno. But it’s more than just the wound his own skates had given him, more than just Jeno.

Jaemin doesn’t know his dream anymore.

His mother doesn’t question his statement, but she looks at Jaemin with questioning eyes. Jaemin appreciates her keeping quiet. He doesn’t have the ability to put into words the chaos that is his mind.

The next morning, Jaemin informs Coach Lee of his decision, only through text and by declining his calls. He stops going to the rink house for practice. Purposely stays at school just so he wouldn’t bump into Irene in the train like he and Jeno sometimes would. He starts spending his after school hours sleeping in the library or mindlessly watching basketball practice.

 

If Jeno cares for him, he doesn’t show it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin wakes up one day and realizes: he stopped feeling Jeno.

Suddenly, the weight in his chest that had been there for what feels like forever is lot less now, reduced by what he assumes is half. Jaemin can tell it’s only his emotions that he’s carrying now. Jeno’s not there. They aren’t connected anymore.

The realization hits him so fast and instead of feeling relieved, Jaemin scurries to grab his phone, dialling Jeno in the speed of lightning. He remembers his father whose connection was cut when his soulmate died, how he said he felt empty since until he met his mother. Jaemin prays— prays that it isn’t what he’s thinking, that Jeno will answer the phone.

Much to his relief, Jeno does answer the phone.

“Jaemin, it’s too early.” He greets, so casually and even with a yawn, like Jaemin didn’t just practically shove him away the last time they talked to each other. He sounds very much alive, and Jaemin bites his lip because he’s about to cry. Goddammit. If he- if he had lost Jeno— oh god.

A sob escapes him.

“Jaemin?” Jeno sounds more awake now, voice laced with concern. Jaemin hates how kind he sounds. He doesn’t deserve his kindness.

“I’m sorry, Jeno.” Jaemin can’t stop the tears forming at the side of his eyes, and he briefly wonders if Jeno feels it. Maybe he doesn’t. “I couldn’t feel you. I’m so scared.”

The other line is quiet for a while and Jaemin has to concentrate on his breathing so that it won’t be loud enough to drown Jeno’s soft voice. Jaemin hears movement from the other line, Jeno probably shuffling around the room.

There’s frustration in his voice when Jeno speaks again. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”

 _Yes, it is._ Jaemin can’t deny that. He wanted to be relieved of the pain. But the thing is, it’s still there, even though it’s a lot lighter than it used to be, but still inevitably there. And it’s growing heavier with every passing second, weighing him down instead of freeing him like he thought it would. Because Jaemin misses Jeno— because Jeno is missing from him.

“Isn’t everything happening because you don’t accept me as your soulmate, Jaemin?”

“No! It’s not you that I don’t accept, Jeno.” Jaemin is quick to deny, because _it’s true._ Atleast this one he knows is true. Jaemin would never reject Jeno on his own. “It’s not you I promise. It’s— it’s fate.”

The line goes silent for a minute. Jaemin hears Jeno’s breathing.

“But I’m your fate, Jaemin.” Jeno says, before he drops the call.

  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I think we broke the soulmate bond.”

Jaemin gets startled when Jeno slips into the seat next to Jaemin later that day, casually saying those words like he’s talking about some homework. It’s already a surprise that Jeno is in school on a Monday, with his competition approaching in two weeks, and much more a surprise that he’s talking to Jaemin after what happened at dawn.

“Sorry about earlier. I was grumpy because I didn’t have enough sleep.” Jeno smiles.

Jaemin winces. Another apology he doesn’t deserve. “What do you mean we broke it?”

“You told me you can’t feel me anymore. And I realized I also can’t feel you.” Jeno shrugs nonchalantly, and if Jaemin didn’t know him, he would have believed he doesn’t care. “I’ve asked around about it, they say that the bond can be broken if at least one of the two soulmates really want it to.”

Jaemin hasn’t ever heard of that possibility, but it’s not like he was ever interested in learning facts about soulmates for him to have stumbled upon that information. Jaemin wonders if he should ask his mother about it, but he decides against it. At least not for now when she seems to not have been thinking about it anymore.

Jeno catches his eyes and his gaze turns softer. His eyes looks watery if Jaemin inspects closer, glistening against the gloomy weather. “Did you really want it, Jaemin?”

Jaemin purses his lips and turns to look at the floor. He can’t lie to Jeno.

Jeno chuckles. “Then I guess that’s it. It’s okay, Jaems. I knew it was burdening you anyway. It’s just like going back to how we once were. Before this soulmate thing came and ruined us.” Jaemin lifts his gaze to look at Jeno again, and if his smile is fake, Jaemin can’t tell anymore. “It’s okay.”

“We can be as close again as how we used to be.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They’re farther apart than they ever were.

Unlike their local club competitions, KSU arranges a practice group for all their competitors in a designated rink, which happens to be at Gyeonggi-do, a good two hours away from their school. According to Jeno’s mom, Jeno had been boarding at a provided dormitory, so it’s no surprise that Jaemin wouldn’t even bump into him in the streets.

Doyoung sends him a text regarding the details of Jeno’s competition, but Jaemin leaves him on read. He doesn’t know if he’s willing to see how different Jeno’s world is going to be, how farther from Jaemin he already is.

On the day of the competition, Jaemin sends Jeno a text. He knows it’s not enough, but it’s the most he can do for now.

 

Jaemin: _I know you’ll do great._

 

Later that day, he hears the news of Jeno bagging first place.

 

 

 

 

He’s another step farther away from Jaemin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donghyuck pops up in front of him from out of nowhere during break time and props his elbows on Jaemin’s desk, a sly grin drawn across his face.

“Let’s go on a double date.”

Usually, Jaemin wouldn’t pay him attention, but this time, Jaemin’s head immediately shoot up from his history notes.

“What?” Jaemin straightens his back, raising his eyebrows. “With you?”

“Yes with me.” Donghyuck smiles, then frowns when he sees the confusion in Jaemin‘s face. “I mean not with me as your date, but like, as _the_ company. I don’t like what you were thinking Na Jaemin.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “I’ll be dating Mark, and you’ll be Yukhei’s date.”

Now Jaemin is even more confused. “What!?”

“I know!” Donghyuck rests his chin on his palm, his eyes dreamy. “What a catch right? Tried my luck with Mark when I found out he wasn’t actually dating Yukhei. Didn’t think he would actually agree to go out with me, but it’s our third date now. He said Yukhei has been bothering him about wanting to meet me, so here we are.”

“You mean to say it’s okay for both Mark and Yukhei if they date other people?”

“Yeah, that’s basically what I said.” Donghyuck glares. “Pay attention, Jaemin.”

Jaemin’s head is starting to spin. There’s so many questions circling in his head. What about their soulmate bond? How is it alright with Yukhei? with Mark? with—

“What about you, Donghyuck? What about your soulmate?” Jaemin frowns deeper.

“I don’t know, soulmate hasn’t shown up.” Donghyuck shrugs. “I’m not going to run and search the world for them. I’m sure we’ll meet if we’re meant to, but for now, I already got my eyes set on someone.”

“On Mark? Someone’s _soulmate?_ ” Jaemin doesn’t even hide the bite in his tone, but Donghyuck doesn’t seem to mind. “Are you rebelling against—“ Jaemin bites his lip. He never thought he’d be able to ask this. “...against destiny?”

“Oh quit it, Na Jaemin. It’s not that big of a deal.” Donghyuck leans away from Jaemin’s desk, shrugging. “There are things that we can’t control, like Mark and Yukhei being soulmates, and my own soulmate being MIA after all these months, but there are things are on our grasp too. And I’m gonna fucking hold it and lead myself where I want to go.” Donghyuck utters, and Jaemin has never seen Donghyuck as someone so bright, but in this moment, Donghyuck is sparkling in Jaemin’s eyes.

“So, are you fine with it? You and Jeno already broke up, right? So there should be no problem.”

Jaemin suddenly frowns, shoulders falling. “Jeno and I weren’t even dating. There’s no break-up or whatever.”

“Oh? Then that’s better.” Donghyuck says, finally standing up from the seat he took. “Then it’s settled. I’ll text you the details. See you on Saturday!”

Jaemin opens his mouth to protest, but he doesn’t even have the time to lift a finger because Donghyuck already flees.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin is surprised to see Jeno standing outside of their house after school hours, his sports bag hanging low from his shoulder, as if he went straight to Jaemin’s home rather than passing by his own. He’s wearing their local team’s shoes and jacket, even though there’s no doubt KSU provided him new ones.

Jaemin sees the frown he seems to have personally carved on Jeno’s face. He wishes he could make him smile again.

“ _Ssaem_ told me you withdrew your application for Haneul.” Jaemin mindlessly steps closer, and despite still being a few inches away, Jeno steps back. “You haven’t been practicing and you avoid everyone from the rink house. What’s the problem, Jaemin? _Why?”_

Jaemin hears his voice almost crack, hears how much Jeno is trying to hold back.

“All of this just to avoid me?”

“No,—“ Jaemin declines, stepping closer. Jeno steps back once again. “It’s not about you Jeno, it’s not about us.” Jaemin harshly runs his hands through his hair, frustrated. “I don’t know if I still want to skate, if I still want this. I don’t know if I wanted this on my own or if I wanted it because you do too, and we’re soulmates and we’re _supposed_ to be like that.”

Jaemin sighs, eyes darting to the floor. “I don’t know my dream anymore, Jeno.”

A long stretch of silence. Jeno doesn’t speak.

“Your dream is to defy the destiny.” Jaemin looks up from the floor and sees Jeno stepping closer and closer, removing the gaps he was placing between them just minutes ago. “I don’t know why you’re so hard trying to fight, Jaemin, when no one else but _you_ is fighting you.”

“But whatever your reason is, this is a battle you must win. “ Jeno holds both of his hands with his. “Do me a favor, Jaemin. Just this one.” His voice cracks. “Don’t drop this so easily. Try. Just try it one more time and if it doesn’t make you feel happy, if you really think you don’t want to do this for the rest of your life, then I won’t bother you anymore.”

“I know you like skating. I can see it in your eyes that you do.” Jeno squeezes his hands, eyes looking at Jaemin’s. Jaemin knows they already broke their bond, but just from the way Jeno looks at him, he can see the desperation in his eyes. “You know you do, too. Stop fooling yourself into not wanting it just because you think the universe forced it onto you. You know your own heart, Jaemin.”

Jeno leans closer. Jaemin holds his breath, closing his eyes. He feels their forehead touch, ever-so-lightly, Jeno’s bangs flattening against his, breath fanning against his skin.

“There’s a qualifier for Haneul in the next two months. Just, give it another try.” Jeno whispers, before they part.

Even with their bond broken, Jaemin still feels Jeno’s heavy heart as he walks away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday starts with Donghyuck sitting at the edge of Jaemin’s bed comfortably like it’s his own, legs crossed while typing in his phone. Jaemin actually almost forgets about the supposed ‘double date’ after all the thoughts clouding in his head since his talk with Jeno two days ago. Donghyuck wastes no time in ushering Jaemin into preparing for the date as soon as he notices him awake, and Jaemin silently wishes his mom wasn’t this kind to let Donghyuck into his room so easily like that. He didn’t agree to go nor does he want to. They’re not even that close to begin with.

“Come on, it’s almost noon.” Donghyuck whines, shaking Jaemin’s arm to make him stand up from his bed. “Would you really take away this chance for two non-soulmates to get to know each other?” He reasons out and honestly, if he uses this route, how can Jaemin even say no?

Like the cliché type of dates, Donghyuck chooses to watch a superhero movie at the local cinema. They meet Mark and Yukhei just a good ten minutes before the movie starts, so there is not much time for Jaemin talk to Yukhei and Mark other than basic introductions. Jaemin learns they both went to Haneul after graduating to pursue their basketball career. Donghyuck had stumbled into Mark since their schools are next to each other, and that was how they got each other’s number and kept in touch.

Donghyuck picks two pairs of seats situated on separate rows, one in front of the other, either intentionally or because there were no more seats left. It’s awkward for Jaemin to be with someone he just met ten minutes ago, but he’d rather let it be like this than to exclusively witness Donghyuck’s attempts on flirting with Lee Mark. At least from this distance, he can’t hear even though he can see.

“I don’t understand.” Jaemin murmurs to himself halfway into the movie. He can’t help but notice how Mark seems to enjoy Donghyuck’s company.

“What?” Yukhei glances at him. “You didn’t get what Daniel meant?”

“No it’s not about the movie—“ Jaemin turns to look at Yukhei, at his big and curious eyes. “Actually I don’t get you, either. How is this alright with you?”

Yukhei frowns. “What do you mean?”

 “Isn’t Mark your soulmate?”

“Ah.” The frown on Yukhei’s face disappears, replaced by a grin. Jaemin wonders why he’s even smiling “so that’s what you mean.”

Yukhei leans his body on the armrest, a little bit closer to Jaemin, obviously making an effort to tone down his usually loud voice. “Well, for starters, Mark and I did try this _soulmate thing_ and went out together, but after a few months, it just started to feel like it’s not right, like we don’t really like each other romantically like that.”

Jaemin leans a little bit closer too, his arm brushing against Yukhei’s.

“He’s always been important to me, and I always felt oddly attached to him. Our minds work in the same wavelength too. He gets me, _y’know._ But if we try to be more than what we feel for each other just because we’re soulmates, then we might just ruin things, and we don’t want that.”

Yukhei chuckles, and again, Jaemin couldn’t understand why he would. “When Donghyuck approached him, god, you should have seen his face, bro was so _whipped._ He wouldn’t stop blushing even as we walked our way home. He really got struck by some invisible arrow straight to the heart. He _wouldn’t stop_ talking about him after that.” Yukhei shrugs. “So yeah, maybe being soulmates just meant we will always be a part of each other, but it doesn’t necessarily mean we have to be something we are not.”

Jaemin swallows a lump in his throat. “Won’t you break your bond or something?”

Yukhei raises an eyebrow. “Huh? That’s impossible, Jaemin. No one has ever broken their soulmate bond.”

That can’t be. Jaemin and Jeno had already broken theirs. “I’ve been told that if one of the two soulmates desire to, the bond can be broken.”

“Really?” Yukhei frowns, shrugging. “I don’t know, but it’s not like Mark and I would want to lose each other.”

Later, during dinner, Donghyuck and Yukhei talk a little too loudly about the movie while Mark watches them with amusement. Jaemin observes Mark’s reactions, how happy he is as he watches the probably the two most important people in his life argue about their favorite hero. The way he gazes at the two is a little bit different too. With Donghyuck, his gaze is softer, gentler.

When Donghyuck leaves for the comfort room, Mark nervously asks Yukhei of his opinion. Yukhei reaches his hand across the table to give Mark a pat in the shoulder, and Mark visibly relaxes.

“You’ve never been this happy, Mark.” Yukhei smiles, bright and genuine. “I’ve never been this happy too.” He says as he clutches his chest, and Jaemin finally understands what this double date is about.

Once they leave the diner, Yukhei grabs Jaemin’s hand to run away.

“It’s fine now!” Yukhei screams as they run, with Mark and Donghyuck yelling in the background, telling them to come back. Jaemin looks back at them, but Yukhei is firm on ignoring.

“I’m assured now!” Yukhei yells in the air, before turning to smile at Jaemin. Jaemin can’t help but smile back, squeezing Yukhei’s hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a small step, but Jaemin is beginning to understand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That night, he sends Jeno a text.

Jaemin: _You are always a part of me. had always been and will always be._

 

Jaemin: _Good night, Jeno._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The very next day, Jaemin passes by the rink.

He hides in the stands where the crowd that usually visit on the weekend is, tries to conceal his presence from familiar people who might ask him questions he doesn’t have an answer to. At one corner of the rink, there are visitors skating around, wanting to experience the feeling of the ice. On the other side, he sees familiar faces— Jisung, Chenle, Koeun, and Herin— wearing casual clothes instead of training suits. They’re fooling around after a heavy week of practice, their skates a lot easier, more playful than usual. They seem to be having fun, and Jaemin can’t help but wish to share the same feelings.

Jaemin closes his eyes and imagines himself standing there on the rink instead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin visits Haneul on Monday as soon as their dismissal bell rings, going straight to the basketball department’s gym. Jaemin isn’t allowed to enter private buildings of the campus, so he lingers by the entrance, both his hands swaying in the air as he waits. He gets some curious glances from the basketball guys, probably for being an unfamiliar face, but Jaemin pays them no mind. He needs to talk to Yukhei. There’s something he should know.

Yukhei arrives with Mark in tow a few minutes later, talking animatedly about something. Yukhei brightens up as soon as he sees Jaemin, immediately going in for a friendly hug. Mark loiters by and throws them a knowing look.

“There’s something I want to ask.” Jaemin says as soon as they part from the hug.

Mark coughs awkwardly. “Should I go?”

“No.” Jaemin throws him a look. “You can answer my question too if you want.”

His words seem to catch their attention, for Yukhei pulls them a little bit to the side.  “Yeah, okay. What’s it about?”

“Do you love basketball?” Jaemin suddenly asks, then shakes his head. “Wow that’s pretty stupid of me to ask. I mean, _you’re here_ , so of course you would. I meant to say— I mean—“ Yukhei pats him soothingly in the shoulders, and even Mark looks at him with worry. Jaemin takes a breath.

“Okay this is crazy but If it weren’t for each other… would you still do this? Would you still play basketball?”

Mark and Yukhei exchange looks, nodding at each other, before Yukhei speaks up. “I’m not sure what you want to hear, Jaemin. But I do. And even if Mark drops this thing to pursue music with Donghyuck instead, I’d still stay.”

Mark jabs him by the rib. “I already said that I wouldn’t!”

Yukhei giggles. “Kidding!” He says as he wraps an arm around Mark’s shoulder. “He wouldn’t. I can feel it in me that he loves this too, no matter how much he likes Donghyuck.” Yukhei throws him a look, and Mark gives him another jab. Yukhei laughs cheekily before turning his attention back to Jaemin. “What about it Jaem— hey!” Yukhei doesn’t finish his sentence, because Jaemin is already running towards the gate.

“That’s all I need to know! Thank you!” Jaemin shouts as he runs away.

The next day, Jaemin shows up at the rink with apology worn on his sleeves. They accept him a little too easily, a little too kindly. Jaemin learns that it’s because Coach Lee told them he took a break because of his injury. The coach barely spares him a glance, but tells him to get ready and warm up for practice.

 When he sets his blades against the ice once again, Jaemin skates  to the middle of the rink.

He poses into a ninety degree bow, then spins in every direction.

 _I’m sorry,_ his body screams into the air. _I’m truly sorry._

When the momentum slows down and Jaemin looks up, he sees Coach Lee smiling genuinely at him.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The preparation time for the qualifiers at Haneul Jaemin was left with is a maximum of three weeks. That includes the formulation of his program and reclaiming his grip on the ice after skipping practice for almost four months. Jaemin can barely perform doubles, let alone triples, but he doesn’t let it bring him down. His focus is on showing his potential rather than faking his perfection.

The crowd is composed mostly of students at the university, figure skaters and other sport professionals flocked around the stadium. Yukhei and Mark came to watch, both holding a handwritten goodluck banner. Doyoung and Jaehyun are there too, and Jaemin briefly mouths Doyoung his thanks for giving him tips regarding this qualifier. Jaemin scans the crowd to maybe find someone, find _him,_ but he’s not there. Jeno is nowhere.

His accompaniment is _Art on Ice_ , fast and rhythmic. As soon as the first beat starts, Jaemin throws his hands in the air and skates, fast— too fast. He makes a jump to the left and then skates to the right. Jump once, twirl twice, jump once, twirl thrice, jump again. His movements seem reckless, some sudden, but never uncoordinated, never out of place. Jaemin had always been unsatisfied about not being as graceful in his movements as much as Jeno is, but Jeno had always told him that his strength lies on his speed. Jaemin hadn’t bought it, saying he should have been a speed skater instead if that’s all he got. He was stubborn and insecure.

But in this moment, Jaemin accepts it. He accepts his strength. He makes use of it.

The crowd holds their breath as they watch him, a few sounds of awe escaping their lips every now and then. Jaemin’s program is so much like him— flashy, rebellious, unpredictable— not really on the safe side if he really wants to get into Haneul. But he doesn’t care. This is who he is: Na Jaemin, born against fate, and this is what he wants to show.

The music ends and Jaemin’s stop is abrupt, his final pose facing the crowd. The reaction is abrupt, too, the quiet and awe taking over for a beat, before hands automatically clap in the air.

In the haze of adrenaline, Jaemin flashes his widest smile towards the crowd. He doesn't care if he made mistakes; he probably did. He doesn't care what the critics will say after this. Heck, he doesn't even care if he doesn't get in. What he cares about is the way his chest heaves as he catches his breath, the way his body feels hot and cold at the same time as he glides around the ice rink, how his ears hear nothing but the sound of his own heartbeat. He's happy with this, and with twinkling eyes, he scans the crowd.

Lee Jeno is there.

He wonders if Jeno feels what he's feeling right now. His excitement, his joy. He wishes he could feel how happy Jaemin is, and let a little bit of it seep through him, because Jeno wears nothing but a frown.

Jaemin takes a bow and looks at the same direction when he lifts his head up, concentrating to look past his own emotions and maybe find him beneath it all. Still, he doesn't feel him. He doesn't feel Jeno.

The results don’t come out immediately like it would on normal competitions. There are no scoreboards scattered around the area, only score sheets and preening critical eyes. The speakers announce that the results will be out in a week. Mark and Yukhei welcome him, big hugs ready as soon as he exits the rink.  Doyoung and Jaehyun are close by, waiting for their turn to congratulate him.

When Jaemin turns to the other side of the stadium, Jeno isn’t there anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A week after, Jaemin’s once blurred path becomes a lot clearer.

 

He’ll be attending Haneul Sports University.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin wakes up on a Saturday morning to an unfamiliar voice chattering with his parents from the dining. Jaemin wasn’t informed of the arrival of any guests, so he doesn’t have any idea who it might be. He brushes his teeth, washes his face and changes from his sleeping clothes before going down the stairs for breakfast.

There’s a pretty woman about the same age as his mother sitting on one of their dining stools. She smiles at Jaemin and stands up as soon as she notices him, and both his parents do the same.

“Jaemin, you’re awake!” His mom almost cheers, shuffling to get next to Jaemin. Behind the woman, his father is genuinely smiling. “Meet Bo-ah. Me and dad met her during our Jeju trip.”

Jaemin looks at his mom curiously, before flashing a polite smile and offering his hand to woman named Bo-ah. Bo-ah takes his hand but doesn’t shake it, just holds it gently while gazing at Jaemin with her eyes so gentle— much like his mother’s, much like Jaemin’s.

“I’ve heard a lot about you.” She smiles. “I’m your mother’s soulmate.”

Jaemin’s eyes widen and he turns to look at his mom.  She smiles at him encouragingly, and when he turns to look at his father, he sees him doing the same. Bo-ah lets go of his hand in favour of arranging his fringe, and Jaemin feels warmth when her fingers touch his skin.

Jaemin is a little bit speechless. “R-really?”

“Yeah.” Bo-ah and his mom replies at the same time.

They all sit down the dining as Jaemin eats his breakfast, telling him the story of how they all met. They were strolling in Udo where Bo-ah apparently works, when they crossed paths along the mangroves. His mom didn’t need words to know, there was a shift, somewhere inside of them, and they just knew they were each other’s soulmate.

“It’s kind of amazing.” His mom giggles. His dad does, too. “It’s like I found my long-lost best friend.”

Jaemin had always thought that the day his mom finds her soulmate is the day his world would end and crumble into pieces, but right now, with the three of them surrounding him like this, laughing at their story like it’s a tale from a long time ago, Jaemin wonders why he ever dreaded for this day to come. Right now, his parents are nothing but happy. They’ve been happy since they came back from Jeju, and judging by the way his mom doesn’t hurt at night anymore, it seems that Bo-ah has been happy, too.

“You were our bridge, Jaemin. Your gift is the best gift I have ever received.”

He can’t help but smile as his mom and Bo-ah gratefully look at him. Acceptance. Maybe that was the key. There are things that are inevitable, out of his control, but there are things that he can decide on, too. Maybe he just had to accept that his parents are not soulmates— will never be— but it doesn’t mean they can’t love one another. It doesn’t mean everything about them was a mistake.

That night, after Bo-ah leaves their house, Jaemin asks his mother a question.

“Mom, did you ever regret dad? Did you ever regret us?”

It’s a question he has long since wanted to ask. A question he locked away inside his heart, afraid to hear answers. Jaemin had always thought that wanting to see her soulmate equated to wanting to leave their family, and with his dad’s reaction on that day during his tenth birthday, he knows he is the same. It’s a question he’d been too much of a coward to ask, but today, he’s finally brave enough.

After eight years, Jaemin finally gets his answer.

“No, sweetie.” His mom smiles. “Of course I never did.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaemin wakes up the next morning with lightness in his heart, the weight that had been placed there suddenly all gone. And it’s not just the heavy block of ice that has been crushing his insides since the day he turned eighteen. It’s a weigh that had been there way longer, a presence constant in him he thought of it as norm, but now that it’s gone, Jaemin finally realizes how heavy his heart had always been. How much better he could be, how much better he now is.

Like a bird freed from its cage, Jaemin feels like he could fly.

He feels blissful, and he can think of nothing else but wanting to share this wonderful feeling to Jeno.

_Jeno._

He has to see Jeno.

Jaemin jumps up from his bed and rushes to groom himself. The sun hasn’t risen, still two hours away, and Jaemin isn’t patient enough to wait that long. As far as he knows, Sundays are a day-off from practice for Jeno, and Jaemin can only hope he is home today. He grabs a coat and tiptoes his way out of the front door, before running towards the direction of Jeno’s house.

There’s a removable segment of fence at Jeno’s backyard that Jaemin uses to sneak in to Jeno’s house when they were younger and naughtier. Jaemin notes that it’s wide open, but he pays it no mind, running straight to the window of Jeno’s room at the side. Jeno never really locks one panel of this window for when Jaemin sneaks in, and Jaemin is delighted to know that Jeno still doesn’t lock it. Maybe he has been waiting for Jaemin to come.

 An empty room welcomes Jaemin as soon as he steps down from the window, not a single trace of Jeno. The bed is made, the blankets neatly tucked. But Jeno’s is phone lying in the middle of it, the only indication that he is indeed home. Jaemin quietly searches the rest of the house, the bathroom, the kitchen, but still Jeno is nowhere.

Then a sudden sting stabs through his heart that Jaemin almost falls down, holding on to the nearest wall for support. It’s a flash of foreign emotions, a quick taste of pain that goes as quickly as it came, but it lasted long enough for Jaemin to be able to recognize it too well.

It’s Jeno.

Quick on his feet, Jaemin jumps back out of the window and into the yard. He still doesn’t know where Jeno could be, but he trusts his feet and heart to bring him to where he is. He will find Jeno, like he always does. Whether it be because of their soulmateship or not, it doesn’t matter. Not anymore.

Jaemin finds himself inside of the rink house, panting from the run as he makes his way to the side of the rink. Jeno is standing in the middle of the ice with his head tilted upwards and his eyes closed, one hand clutched against his chest. Jaemin doesn’t waste a second and grabs his skates from the locker room, and in no time he’s back in the rink again, skating his way to Jeno.

With the sound of Jaemin’s skates against the ice, Jeno finally opens his eyes.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, taking a step back as Jaemin finally reaches him.

Jaemin skates a little too fast that it takes longer for him to stop his momentum, sliding closer and closer to Jeno, even though he keeps on stepping back. Jaemin wants to close all the gap, to break all the walls he had built between them, but he knows he has to take it slow. Once he finally takes hold of Jeno, he holds on to his shoulders and smiles.

“Jeno, I felt you.”

Jeno holds back on to Jaemin to steady him, eyebrows raised in confusions. “You did?” Jeno’s eyes widen. “and you’re okay with it?”  
  
“Jeno, listen to me.” Jaemin slides his hands down Jeno’s arms, gripping at him tightly. “I’m really sorry—“  
  
 “Jaemin.” Jeno interrupts, releasing himself from Jaemin. The object that he had been holding in his hand falls to the ground, but none of them bat an eye. “Not now, please.” Jeno pleads. Jaemin wants to keep holding on and never let go, but he fights himself against it. Jeno had given him the time and space that he needs and if he asks for it, Jaemin is willing to give him just the same.  
  
The object that had fallen earlier rolls into his blades, a white small bottle of pills. Jeno is quick to bend down and pick it up as soon as he notices Jaemin’s eyes on it. Still, Jaemin is faster, and it’s not something he can miss.  
  
Jaemin’s blood feels cold.

“Jeno what have you been doing!?”  
  
Jeno hides his hand behind his back, his expression stoic.  
  
“Don’t look at me like that. It’s just suppressants.” Jeno sighs. He finally gives up hiding the bottle and lets his arms hang on his side. “You wanted to get rid of the connection we had. I granted your wish.”  
  
Jaemin feels a punch in his gut. Jeno, forever understanding, did this because of Jaemin. _Because Jaemin wanted it._ There are too many emotions swirling inside of Jaemin. Anger. Worry. Fear. But the longer he stares at Jeno, the longer he sees the stoic expression in his face, the more everything else fades until there is only sadness left. Because Jaemin did this to him. He did this to Jeno.  
  
“I didn’t want to burden you, Jaemin. I understood everything was too much for you. I was too much for you, including every emotion I carried, even though all of them are for you.” He pauses, biting his lip. “So I got rid of them. All of them. I couldn't even feel sad, Jaemin. Everything inside of me is just-” Jeno shrugs. Jaemin clenches his hands. “Empty.”

“When I saw you at Haneul, I couldn’t help but realize you were happy. You looked peaceful, jaems. You looked like you’re finally free. And I was left wondering why I became the one locked up instead. Why I suddenly felt like I lost my wings when I lost you, and yet you fly freely with that beautiful smile of yours, finally happy, without me.”  
  
Jaemin couldn’t help but notice the tears that are on the side of Jeno’s eyes. Jeno briefly looks down to blink it away, but he lifts his head again to look at Jaemin in the eye. He still has words he has to say, so Jaemin is careful to keep his mouth shut.  
  
“You told me I will always be a part of you, but am I, really? I wanted to make sure, so I stopped taking them. I wanted to feel you again, Jaemin. Even if you end up being mad at me for doing so. I wanted to be a part of you again, even just for a few minutes. But I couldn’t. No matter how much I stand by and wait, I can’t feel you, Jaemin.”  
  
_I love you_. Jaemin wants to say. _You are always a part of me. You have been missing from me_. These are words he wants to scream out loud, but Jeno isn't ready to receive them in this moment. Wordlessly, he holds onto Jeno again, and as if on cue, Jeno falls into his arms.  
  
Then Jaemin feels everything coming back— Jeno. All of Jeno.  
  
Jeno’s knees wobble and Jaemin pulls him up for support. Jeno looks up at him with wide eyes that finally speaks, finally not empty.  
  
Like floodgates being opened, Jeno's emotions comes crashing into Jaemin at once, and he starts to feel Jeno again— everything Jeno had thrown away just for Jaemin, everything Jaemin wished he hadn't rejected. They fall down the ice like that, arms entangled together. The tears that were barely there earlier started flowing like waterfalls. Jeno is crying and is so confused that he does, because after being empty for months, he can finally _feel_.  
  
There's too much Jeno is feeling at this moment, and Jaemin can feel it in every part of him, filling up his lungs, crawling down his bones, overtaking his heart. He takes time to peel them off one by one. For one, there's fear. Jeno fears Jaemin, and it’s not something Jaemin is surprised by. There’s confusion and anxiety too, rolling off in waves. Then there's longing, so much longing. Jeno continues to long for Jaemin.  
  
And beneath all, there's love.  
  
Even after everything, Jaemin still feels the love Jeno holds for him.  
  
Jaemin doesn’t stop his own tears that roll against his cheeks as Jeno sobs in his arms. There are no words said, just finally their presence in each other. Jaemin clutches his chest with his one of his hands. Jeno is there. Will always be there.

Once Jeno has calmed down, Jaemin walks him back to their house, stays in his bed and wraps him in his arms as Jeno buries his face into Jaemin’s neck. Jaemin tells Jeno that he’s sorry. That he accepts him. That he wants him. All of him. His sadness, worries, and fears included. Jeno has no words to say yet, just squeezing closer into Jaemin and nodding his head every now and then. They have a lot of things they have to talk about, so much more they have to apologize for, but right now, Jeno is asking for Jaemin, and Jaemin is giving all of himself to Jeno.

In their silence, with their hearts finally beating in sync, they find each other once again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When they wake up, Jaemin lets Jeno spill all of himself into words.

_You left me. You hurt me._

_I suffered. I was angry._

_I forgive you. I accept you._

_I missed you. I love you._

_You are a part of me._

Jaemin accepts all of Jeno.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It takes four hours of travel time for Jaemin and his parents to get to Gangwon-do, where National Figure Championships is to take place. Jaemin sees cameras as soon as he steps into the stadium, reporters scattered around the area. There are far more spectators than they’re used to, some national athletes Jaemin had only seen on TV lingering by. He knew that this is a bigger deal than their usual competitions, much bigger than the ranking competitions, but the weight of it is hitting him just now.

Jeno is truly amazing.

Doyoung passes by with his coach in tow and stops when he sees Jaemin. He’s in the competition for a third time, and Jaemin can’t help but be more amazed at how Jeno managed to be on the same stage as Doyoung in such a short span of time. Jaemin promises Jeno and himself that one day, he will catch up.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” Doyoung hugs Jaemin, then greets his parents with a bow right after. “I’m glad things are better. I’m sure Jeno will be happy.” He smiles, and Jaemin doesn’t help himself from pulling him again for another hug, quietly saying his thanks for being there with Jeno. For listening to him when Jaemin couldn’t. For not hating Jaemin despite knowing everything. Doyoung just pats him on the back and smiles.

The truth is, things are still not the same as they once were. Jaemin knows it, expected it. They still know each other best, still complement so perfectly together. They fall back easily to their easy conversation and banters, but still, It’s not like things can magically go back to the way they once were, like Jaemin never hurt Jeno at all. Jaemin still feels the fear Jeno holds for him at times, Jeno still a little afraid to get too close and have his wings burned. Jaemin still feels the reluctance, the uneasiness of being vulnerable to Jaemin, and it’s not something he can blame Jeno for.

Still Jaemin feels Jeno, and whatever feelings he may have, may it be the negative emotions he holds for Jaemin, Jaemin is thankful enough it.

Doyoung walks them to where Jaehyun is seating before he leaves for preparation. Jaehyun greets him and his parents as they occupy the seat next to him, and if he knows anything, he keeps mum about it. He just gives Jaemin a warm smile, and Jaemin couldn’t be more grateful for that.

The speakers announce the start of the competition. They had to sit through three performances before Doyoung’s performance. Different from the Doyoung they met earlier, with his tracksuit and warm smile, Doyoung now wears a patterned black slim suit and a cold stare. He definitely is on a different level, his movements precise, his expressions on point. He looks so calm as he skates around the ice, and if it’s not for Jaehyun who can’t sit still in his seat as he calms himself down, Jaemin wouldn’t have figured out that Doyoung actually isn’t.

Jaemin feels his heart beat faster once Doyoung finishes his program. He’s not sure if it’s him or Jeno, but he does his best to be calm. Jeno is called two performances later, and Jaemin can’t help but be mesmerized when he sees the skater. Jeno’s suit is a pretty shade of blue, growing white on its edges, sequins adoring his neckline. Jeno looks… cold. Jaemin almost shivers in his seat even though he’s feet away from the ice.

As Jeno takes his stance in the middle of the rink, Jaemin isn’t surprised when their eyes immediately meet. Like each other’s home, they are bound to find one another, no matter how far apart they stray away.

Jeno lifts his hands up, the laces of his sleeves gracefully hanging in the air. He scans the crowd, before his gaze land back on Jaemin. The music starts, the melody so pretty and warm that Jaemin questions Jeno’s choice of costume. Jaemin doesn’t realize what it means until he recognizes the song.

 _Come, spring_ plays softly as Jeno skates around the rink, and Jaemin thinks of Jeno as the winter, begging for the spring to touch his cold hands once again.

His movements are graceful, arms and legs stretching in the air to showcase his beautiful figure. The gaze in his eyes is faraway, much like the first time Jaemin saw Jeno skate on television. Every once in a while he would look at Jaemin, hold their gaze before skating away.

For a competitive skating program, Jeno has way less combinations than what he could usually muster at this point of his performance. Few less spins and step sequences. Although it matters not— the whole stadium is captivated, weaving the message Jeno is trying so hard to convey.

It speaks. Jeno’s body speaks. And Jaemin can tell everyone is holding their breath to listen to his story.

Jeno reaches his hands into the air when he skates by Jaemin’s side of the rink, his once cold eyes now filled with so much emotion that not just Jaemin, but everyone else can feel. There’s longing, _too much longing_ that Jaemin feels in his heart. Jaemin wants to run down the ice and hold Jeno in arms, but is Jeno retracting his hands, clutching it in his chest as he skates away, before jumping a succession of double loops.

There’s a collective gasp in the air when Jeno takes his final pose. The scoreboard shows his unimpressive score, commentators speaking in the background. Jaemin understands, with how the performance focused on interpretation more than the technicalities, but still the crowd cheers as if Jeno’s about to get the gold.

Jaemin feels Jeno’s emotions pouring all over the place as he skates back to the side of the rink. Like a broken faucet it can’t be stopped. Jaemin’s heart is swelling. Jeno is astonished. Overwhelmed. Jeno is _ecstatic._ And Jaemin nearly cries because for the first time since feeling Jeno, he feels light.

He stands up and runs to the backstage door as he as Jeno exits the rink, and none of his parents nor Jaehyun stop him from it. He runs fast. He wants to see Jeno, can’t sit by another performance just to see Jeno. He enters the hall and spots him just before the backstage door, where Jaemin knows he isn’t allowed to enter anymore. Jeno is waiting there with a smile on his face, a smile than reaches his eyes. As if he knows that Jaemin will come and see him even he isn’t supposed to just yet. He probably does.

Jaemin wasn’t able to buy a bouquet of flowers because of the time constraints and long travel, but he had managed to keep a single carnation in the pocket of his coat, the one that lies in their vase at home. Jaemin gives it to Jeno  as soon as he is within reach, before he throws himself in with a hug burying his face in his neck. “That wasn’t your original program, wasn’t it? It’s not the one I saw you practicing the other day. It had way more combinations and more chances to win.”

Jeno hugs him back, careful not to crush the flower. “It was meant for the gala, but you won’t be able to watch it because of your classes, and it’s the one I wanted to show to you.”

Jaemin hits him on the shoulders. “Idiot. I can always watch that in youtube. You’re on national level now, I’ll even see you on television.” Jaemin chuckles, and then he stops.

 “I’m sorry, Jeno.” He breathes. “For everything.” It’s something that he’s already said one, too many times, but he feels like he needs to do it one last time before moving on. _He’s sorry._ He fucked things up. Raged a war with himself and hurt Jeno in the process. But if there’s something that figure skating had taught him, it’s that you get up, no matter how many times you fall down. Jaemin has been lying in the ice for far too long, and now he wants to stand up again and redeem himself. Jaemin wants to make things right, and he will. “You ask for the spring to come, but all I have is another winter. I’m not sure if you can accept me, but I have come to you.”

“I already said that I forgive you.” Jeno hugs him tighter. “You’re my spring, Jaemin. Even after everything that happened. You’re still the one that colors me.”

As they hug there in the middle of the wide hallway, feeling each other’s emotions finally settling inside of their chest, Jaemin looks back to his mother’s words about soulmates. _You will feel their pain, their sorrow, their joy. You will feel all of their emotions, everything, for your souls share one heart._

Jaemin finally understands. This is what it means.

Jeno is his soulmate— by fate and by choice.

Jeno is his home.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you if you somehow managed to finish reading this! My inspiration for Jaemin’s last performance is [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhEyELMevyg&feature=youtu.be), while for Jeno, it’s [this one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5SEnLJnD8U&feature=youtu.be). (Yes they’re both Yuzuru Hanyu, except maybe a little less perfect than Yuzu. even the costumes are Yuzu costumes lol. I love my ice king like that.) 
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> Fic playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/22ozvcl5f4jdqaq2a22frgpay/playlist/4UWHIZ9GdRV6beKhoY95C0?si=dhWOWHaFQbqEt8AvQ0ujVQ)
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> Also I would also like to thank dace for this wonderful prompt, and jodie, sani, dani, and ross for reading this through for me before I posted it and giving me their thoughts and a boost of confidence. Hehe love you! 
> 
> If you want to communicate beyond ao3, here’s my [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/ongnigiri_) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/saicoholic)
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> Thank you for reading!


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